Hybrid Vegetarian
I 100% believe that being a vegetarian is the way to go and I'm 100% in on that definitely. It's unquestionably true to me that if humans didnt eat meat we'd live longer and happier and the planet would be better off. Unless there's a lazy snag sandwich going with butter and tomato sauce. Or a fried breakfast. Or someone says "Baked dinner?". Or if I'm driving on a long journey and there's tea and egg sandwiches or chicken and egg and beak and shell and feathers sandwiches. Or if I've been sixteen days without food and I'm stuck in a plane crash with a Soccor team in the Andes and someone says " Hey Joe a few of us are barbecuing Derek back here would you like a rib?". Well obviously then.
But generally speaking I totally agree with myself when I say I'm 100% on the vegetarian bus. Just don't forget to pack a few ham sandwiches with mustard.
All right I'm a hybrid vegetarian but one thing I do firmly believe is that you can eat whatever or whoever you want here on earth but in the afterlife your spirit will have the carcass of every animal you ate any part of, dropped on you from a mile up. So, you know, bear that in mind.
Now there is one animal that we eat that we could easily bypass. There is nobody walking around on earth today that would give a good God damn if we banned the eating of turkeys. I mean any day of the year if you walk into your local supermarket you will see forty roast chickens laid out hot bagged and ready to go. Because humans love eating chickens. We dont care what cage it was in since birth or what was injected into it as long as there's a chicken availabile at all times of the day and night. Ain't nowhere you can buy roast Turkey in July. Why? Because it tastes like your dead Aunt. Somehow we've gotten into the habit of killing turkeys for Christmas. Nobody wants it. You can't eat a fork full without a bit of stuffing (lovely) and a bit of roast potato and cranberry sauce with it. It's dry and it's basically a waste of everyone's energy.
So can I get some sort of loose agreement that we skip turkeys first and then we'll start on dropping fish? We need to stop eating fish lads. Hands up so, turkey and fish gone? Great start. And totally doable.
Now onto the hard stuff. Christmas itself. So we're counting time based on the birthday of Jesus. He'd be only 2022 years young if he were alive today God love him. Taken too soon. But every year since then, 2022 of them? Now surely we could just have one year off where it runs neatly from Halloween to St Brigids Day with no bullshit waste of money Disney saccharine sweet emotionally crippling heart wrenchingly full of ridiculousness and waste of heaps of money drunken gluttonous fuck you you were never a father you absolute prick you period called Christmas? ONE YEAR OFF! Is the slogan lads. Give it a go? Check back in late January with healthy balances on our credit cards and no two extra kilos to lose and no half sister of your cousin twice removed that your wife still wants you to call and apologise to.
Or maybe every second year? That's fair. You know that's fair.
Anyway thanks for a great year. Thanks to the venues and the musos and the music shops but mostly thanks you once again to the people of the Hunter Valley and beyond that help keep my family in the absolute lap of luxury every year. Happy Christmas to you and yours.