DISco
She was the one. I chose her.
I was being dropped off outside the Douglas Hyde Centre on the Athlone Road in Roscommon. I couldn't have been 11 yet but I wanted one thing. A woman.
Women were a mystery to me. We had Mammy at home but sure she wasn't really a woman as such. Five penises otherwise. A house full of hoses.
I went to an all boys school. Never seen a vagina and was highly unlikely to. No internet then . No porn. Just me and my hormones and a very poorly educated imagination. Mammy had said “Don’t have sex with a girl or she’ll get pregnant and you’ll be trapped”. Oh ok. Thanks.
The best woman ever apparently was Mary the mother of Jesus and she was a virgin. Not what I was in the market for.
I'd smelt girls at mass. They were like a bag of lollies. Had to get one.
The music was blaring. A proper 80's country Disco with the D.J. on the stage behind a rig the size of Led Zeppelin's touring rig. Flashing lights.
There were very predictable things going to happen. There would be two headbanger sets in the night. Maybe five songs each all included AC/DC. Back in Black or Hells Bells. I loved Hells Bells.
The lads with long hair would all run out into an improvised Headbanging frenzy.
There would be two slow sets. Love time. If you could get a woman to dance with you that is.
You had to have done your research. Walk around the hall and get a good look at them .
The girls were always along one side of the hall. Boys on the other.
Anyway this was my first and I was not fucking around. I walked in there like John Travolta.
Filled with unquestionable confidence.
My plan? Pick the finest Hen in the hall and make her mine. Or at least start at the top of the fine Hen pile and work my way down.
Music blaring lights flashing darkness otherwise I headed along the wall of women Eagle eyed.
Nothin Daysent.
One more round and I spotted her. She was dancing with her friends in a circle. Maybe eight of them around a pile of handbags. An exotic one from Athlone maybe. Couldn’t tell. Liked the idea of a foreigner.
All lovely but my woman was majestic. As fine a woman as ever put a foot down into a Wellington.
I approached carefully but strongly from the rear. Couldn't get at her any other way. The circle of fire.
Loud music flashing lights knee high socks. Her not me.
I reached in a shouted "DO YOU WANT TO DANCE!?"
Then her angelic voice -"WHAAAAT?" Still facing in.
Me again - "DO. YOU. WANT. TO. DANCE?"
Her - "I AM DANCING!"
Christ, she was right. I was on the back foot now. Think Joe THINK!
Leaned in again to the back of her dancing head.
"YA I KNOW BUT DO YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME?!"
My princess turns around her glowing beauty blinding me her intoxicating smell ruining me her eyes diamonds in the night and she shouts over the music....
"WOULD YOU EVER FUCK OFFFFFF!"
Yes Mam. Crushed.