Big Win
Here's how it works and has done for years.
I go in to buy a lottery ticket. Why? Because I think a big bag of free money would be a bit of craic.
Now let's be clear. I don't need it. I'm good. Bills paid.
Here's how I work. 1. Wake up. 2. Can you see a hospital ceiling above you? No? Then 3. Get up and have a bit of craic.
Birds. Air. Sunshine. Trees. Health. Craic. Done. Dead soon. Fuck off I don't want to know about the NASDAQ.
So I walk in. I smile at the person serving and I ask for a lottery ticket please.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't waste money either. It's as good an instrument as a guitar and when played well can offer a sweet tune.
Which is why if I won $50,000,000 I guarantee you I would not be overwhelmed. More on that later but now I've smiled at whoever is serving.
I have been a musician all my life. Full time for at least thirty years and when I say I know how to be broke I'm not kidding.
I don't spend money willie nilly so I want to get the value out of that lottery ticket. Odds are, it won't win. So here's how I get my quids worth.
I say to whoever is serving "I might win this cash and if I do I want to buy you a new car. Which one would you like?"
They're often not sure what to chose but eventually we get a make model and colour and I promise that if I win I'll bring that car back.
There was a lad once that must have been having a shit day and he wasn't having a bar of my bullshit. Which car? No I'm fine. What? You don't want a new car? No I like what I have. Ok. Ok. Ok. What car have you? A 1998 Honda Civic. Em...........o.....k. I'll not buy you a car if I win so.
There, the ticket owes me nothing now.
But just to knock the full value out of it I won't check it for a week. So for seven days I have a lottery ticket in the centre console that MIGHT be worth $50,000,000.
The feeling of 'maybe this time' is worth a few quid. Hope. That's why people play the Poker Machines. It's not for the money because they plough all winnings back in. It's for the little buzz of
'Maybe this time'.
The tiny feeling of the hope of a better life is cheaper than the effort you need to put in to actually get one.
Anyway if I win?
House in Knockcroghery.
Rake of new guitars.
Six perfect Volvo 240's. Four wagons, one Sedan and the Hearse version. Yes it exists.
There's an absolutely immaculate 240 in the Volvo museum in Stockholm so I'll be putting a team together to steal that too.
Applications to be in my office before close of business on Friday. Training starts in earnest on Sunday the 10th.
The successful applicants will have to take two years off work and be willing to have Ze Craic, Wholesale. The ability to speak Swedish will definitely work in your favour.